guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
