can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
