Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
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