I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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