there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
