New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
