Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
