Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
