Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
