I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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