Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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