whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
