call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
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