If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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