I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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