put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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