He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
