the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I touched a dick in church today
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
