Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
