he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
