What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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