you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
