What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
you inspire me to be a worse person
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
