I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you didnt know i had herpes?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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