Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
