So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
