I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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