Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
