last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
