Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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