i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
