The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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