I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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