Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
