Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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