fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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