morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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