I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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