I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
