I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
