2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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