Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
