I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
