dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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