When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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