textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
