doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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