meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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