You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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