im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
