She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Randomize
