If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
